08-04-2026, 06:31 PM
The roots of my depression start from my early teens and soon after my sister was pressured into aborting her baby when she was 15. Whatever I did was never good enough, I was moody, I was compared with my sister who was 'perfect' and clever, I was a liar, you name it I got it chucked at me. It was such a stupid situation that I tested out a theory that if I lied to my parents they would believe me but if I was honest I would be accused of lying. Sadly my theory proved right hence the reason I constantly got accused of lying.
What made my depression severe was being bullied and lied into my son being adopted in 1981. I fell pregnant when I was 19 years old and worked for the civil service at the end of a bad relationship. I kept quiet long enough not to be pressured into my son being aborted but when my parents found out they decided my baby was being adopted no matter what. I refused to agree to this so refused to discuss the matter. My parents arranged everything so the first time I saw anybody from the adoption agency was on the he was born and I still refused to agree to him being adopted. Not once did I agree to him being adopted, I didn't know my rights, I didn't see the paper work and I didn't sign anything yet the adoption still went through. I didn't even know I couldn't consent to surrender until my son was 6 weeks old. Just on the grounds that his father was never spoken to made his adoption illegal. It took 23 years and reunion for me to find out the extent of the lies.
Adoption is the most painful experience I have ever gone through and it is an invisible amputation. It is gut wrenching painful and I have never got over it. I believed I was going mad as I was expected to get on with my life and forget about my son. Yet I was hurting inside and the pain was a real pain but nobody would have believed me if I tried to explain it. For many years I went through a cycle of self harming and trying to commit suicide by overdosing. I would use knives and scissors to cut myself, usually round my stomach, sometimes my arms so nobody would ask questions. The suicide attempts obviously didn't work although I did end up in hospital overnight and on a heart monitor back in 1998. That was one of the scariest nights of my life and when I hear of people who have near death experiences I believe them as I went through that on that night.
What made my depression severe was being bullied and lied into my son being adopted in 1981. I fell pregnant when I was 19 years old and worked for the civil service at the end of a bad relationship. I kept quiet long enough not to be pressured into my son being aborted but when my parents found out they decided my baby was being adopted no matter what. I refused to agree to this so refused to discuss the matter. My parents arranged everything so the first time I saw anybody from the adoption agency was on the he was born and I still refused to agree to him being adopted. Not once did I agree to him being adopted, I didn't know my rights, I didn't see the paper work and I didn't sign anything yet the adoption still went through. I didn't even know I couldn't consent to surrender until my son was 6 weeks old. Just on the grounds that his father was never spoken to made his adoption illegal. It took 23 years and reunion for me to find out the extent of the lies.
Adoption is the most painful experience I have ever gone through and it is an invisible amputation. It is gut wrenching painful and I have never got over it. I believed I was going mad as I was expected to get on with my life and forget about my son. Yet I was hurting inside and the pain was a real pain but nobody would have believed me if I tried to explain it. For many years I went through a cycle of self harming and trying to commit suicide by overdosing. I would use knives and scissors to cut myself, usually round my stomach, sometimes my arms so nobody would ask questions. The suicide attempts obviously didn't work although I did end up in hospital overnight and on a heart monitor back in 1998. That was one of the scariest nights of my life and when I hear of people who have near death experiences I believe them as I went through that on that night.