my steps - the yellow brick road

[craig84]

well since my last malfunction ive been adamant im not going back there... I may well fall but its getting back up that counts! right?

each thing I do I try and see as a positive step, showering in the morning I cant be bothered and still feel like crap but I force myself to shower, the past couple of days anyway ive forced myself to shower and feel better for it, then theres my eating... I haven't eaten for 3days practically so im building up how much I eat and drinking loads of fluids. every little thing I do is an achievement, an accomplishment and it does seem to be working for me.

not only that but im continuing to build a support network on here which is making me feel accepted and worth something.... a massive boost!

im conscious of not ttrying too much like getting a job right away and forgetting about my mental health, I need to learn how to cope with my depression as its taken me some time to understand it, accept it, and try and deal with it.... its already beaten me a couple of times but somehow im still here, im grateful for that!

[craig84]

so today I had a quick shower, feeling clean for a couple of days in a row is nice :) ive been out with the dogs to the park with my nephew, sorted through some mail and can get my tablet fixed finally! which is on my plan of positive steps for tomorrow

I went to my brothers as I was getting a bit bored after I worked on my selfesteem work sheets for a couple of hours... ive never bothered doing them before but im already seeing the benefits, just the action of getting it out of your head and onto paper brings it out into reality and kind of cements the positives in more... I think lol I feel like its working. I haven't been feeling that bad actually. I did have a kind of eureka !! moment earlier. ive noticed exactly what it is that brought me down so much. the two places I bounce between. my bro's and mums. my mums im reminded of a lot of childhood &$%+ because of how she tries to parent josh and speaks to her husband and is just a nit picky bitch, don't get me wrong she's lovely, shes my mum... but she can be a right bitch with how she snaps and besides all that the house is an absolute state... I mean ... its just nasty, any surface that can hold &$%+ is holding it, letters, pens, pointless, electronics that don't work, its just a &$%+hole so if im surrounded by this all the time and the negative energy then its bound to have an effect on my mood ive figured out..... and earlier it was getting to the point where just being here was getting me down so I went to my brothers, my god that was just as depressing, his dirty, not as bad as mums with the amount of stuff but sinks full of dirty dishes, whole place needs a hovering...  it'd take about an hour and a half to sort it out. then theres his illnesss and his mood which gets me down there.... in the great scheme of things and when I look at getting better with whats right for me..... I need to be out as much as p[ossible which is going to test me even more which I love the thought of in a way... its food for thought anyway ... giving me more things to try and fill my time with... goto the library more, take kai for longer walks again like I used to :) its looking pretty good as long as I stay on top of what brings me down .... which is where im sitting right now but I cant change that atm... its gunna be hard to say the least!!

im eating a salad right now :p one of my positive steps to eat more today than yesterday.... and its healthy, and pretty nice :)

later on I intend on goin round a pals to just try and get my confidence up with being around a different person and maintaining a half decent conversation....

I kind of feel im getting ahead of myself but if I do well ... I do well... if I don't, that's not that bad either I know im kind of rushing!

[craig84]

ok my mate weren't in so that flopped but I met another guy I know and was about to go chill with him but chose against it as I am avoiding smoking weed at the moment... especially with what happened this week. I don't really see weed as that bad but it does prolong depression and just makes everything take longer.... cos you mong out pretty much all the time. not the greatest thing when your trying to make positive changes...

the salad was nice earlier a nice change and I do feel better for eating it. my energy levels are up I can feel it as I haven't slept for three days. I have a pint of water on the go as well, gangsta I hate drinking water its flavourless but I need to sort my system out....am forcing myself to do these things now, its like a snowball effect!

[craig84]

ive kept to my steps today, im bouncing between topics and mixing them up a bit but i'll get used to posting properly... ive never been on a forum before...

so my steps today were to:

Give myself a service - shower, brush teeth, clean out ears and generally wash properly as opposed to doing it for the sake of having a shower. I felt better after it.

Goto lakeside to get tablet repaired -  took josh and kai with me and let josh walk kai, told him what he needs to look out for when approaching roads as it takes more concentration with a dog, I picked it up quick and only made one mistake on our way back but he was shattered bless him, puring with sweat and got the sun a bit, I should have thought of that tbh but I missed that one.... im olive skinned so I don't usually bother... still not very responsible Mr Cauchi!! sort it out sir!

Next on the list is do us all some lunch - need the energy now am shattered...ive probably had a total of 3 hours sleep in almost 5 days... I am absolutely cream crackered but I don't want to stop doing things now ive started.

after lunch im heading to town to goto the library....

then pass by my bro's on the way back, see how his doing and head back home.... hopefully i'll have a bookto read.... I don't want my environment to get me down ... I can already feel its affecting me a bit. everyone in my family haven't asked how im doing lately, im not really surprised. actions speak louder than words and there not even asking how I am so its pretty clear im on my own still. Apart from everyone here, my surrogate family

[Pip]

I've been meaning to respond to you here then forget due to distractions such a demanding husband, demanding dogs, demanding cat .... 

It's good to read that you are taking positive steps forwards 

[craig84]

the life of a woman eh

I know it can be difficult when you have to juggle a lot it does get a bit overwhelming. I try to reorganise things when it gets like that, rather than just saying yes all the time and rushing around I told people no because I had something else to do first but could do it when im ready so bare with me type thing. 

Thank you I am trying :) it is hard too but with each succesfull thing I do cos I want to do it.... I don't really have to do anything for anyone but that usually means being looked at like your selfish... its about balance !!

hope your doing ok?

[craig84]

I didn't get a book from the library. my brother ended up meeting me on the way there as he was lonely and when we got to the library he wouldn't go in but I didn't want to leave him outside cos I know he gets anxious and uncomfortable so I just went in and checked I could still get books out and to ask about membership for someone and then came back out, I can be in there for an hour sometimes looking through books cos.. well Im not a library dude, I guess I am a bit but I would never have gone to a library before I was depressed....  I did buy books to read but when you have nothing its nice to borrow things for free.... 

so that step got moved to tomorrow which is fine I don't mind that gives me something to start my day with I guess... after ive taken kai to the vets, im not sure what happened while I was out but he isn't walking on his left hind leg and there are blood spots in 3 places so I think he and shadow were playfighting... im not sure if its broken or bruised but im worried. feel like &$%+ that im not working to have the money to get him sorted now so my hands are tied but his not in too much pain... his just not himself even though he wants to be... I know how that can feel too :) I hope its not broken

I don't have any steps for tonight really, ive gone 5 days with 3 hrs sleep so no plans... ive done enough today. fill in the rest on my journal.

[craig84]

todays only planned step from yesterday was to goto the library to get a book to start reading... nothing major really I just want to do at least one step a day, today I haven't even showered cos im low, worrying about my dog and having a few other things come up that I struggle to deal with because I cant change some things... environment and people at home mainly, not supporting me the way they should... Carla called my mum and asked through her how I was and I shouted out 'not great really but im trying' no phone was passed to me for supporting words... no message either....

lmao what assholes ... no wonder ive tried killing myself so much...
you cant choose your family

I took kai round the block to see how he got on and he seemed ok...  threw a bottle to get him to run a bit and... no limping, he cocked his leg and had all his weight on his bad leg.... still no limping.... which has made me happier but im still worried and cconcerned about the whole insurance and vet care side of things....

I dunno wether to risk bringing kai to the library... 40 min walk and a lil wait outside ....

[craig84]

I didn't take him to the library in the end, we went to the park early hours this morning instead, I only got 4 hours sleep interrupted by sweating when i only use a sheet as a cover.... ive fuked myself with this overdose... i deserve it though... have to take responsibility and accept it though.

i did my step this morning by going to church and lighting candles for the departed. was a pretty emotional morning but walking home from church i was looking at the sky reflecting and the sun broke through the clouds as i looked, i smiled and stopped looking..

Kai is back to normal. i worried for nothing... no real plans or steps today im trying to get into football again as i haven't really watched it since 2006 when we were beaten by barca in the final of the champions league, i cried and everything i didn't think i cared that much.

I've lost touch with arsenal since and we will give it a good shot this afternoon but Tottenham are at their strongest i think... sorry .. don't usually talk football. its good to get interested in it again though im l;ooking forward to watching it... my mum supports Tottenham so if we win im gunna really rub her nose in it yids pffft!

im not planning anything else... just want to chill tbh

[craig84]

Plans for tomorrow are to go tp the library for a while and have a mooch around... I said I wouldn't get another self help book but I might do as im getting somewhere it seems. or maybe this is just the same circle I go round in... will see when it comes to work what type of job I go for...

after the library I might go mind just to say hi to the receptionist, she was always so sweet and I might even ask to be put on the waiting list for therapy, they are so helpful! I might even ask about the self esteem courses they have.... seems as though that's what my current therapist is asking me to do.

tomorrow is the closing of the transfer window so i'll keep my eye on that to see who wenger gets for us! theres a few BIG names ive read about tonight that are exciting prospects.

[craig84]

since my last post here ive done sweet f a with regards to making positive steps... there have been various reasons... see my journal around these dates if you wanna know...

tonight I started reading through the book I got from the library called, overcoming selfesteem.

I have actually done as asked by the book and wrote down what experiences ive had which led to my low selfesteem. it was insightful and I continued reading through it and have finished the first chapter...

I haven't started the second its all about what maintains a low self esteem. . . . .

its the only positive step ive done recently and I want to see this recovery through hence writing this one step down from today.

Im going to plan just one positive step tomorrow which is taking a shower, I don't want to plan a lot and not do them so will take it like these topics... one step at a time.

I hope more people do the same it does help if your stuck in a rutt

[craig84]

I havent posted here for some time....  However i will poi t out that if you find yourself in the depressed state i was in where just getting out of bed wasnt worth the effort id suggest challenging yourself with little things.....  They inevitably lead to bigger things which is why i stopped posting here. 

The knock on effects it had was getting involved more with jobsearches and worki g with the jobcentre to suit my needs,  getting involved with people again,  just talking and trying to have some form of social life....  It didnt help but i challenged myself which is what counts!  I may have failed with somethings and although i tripped,  i took steps!  I

I fell into the same circle of pleasing others around me but i didnt let it consume me,  i found myself joining a chat site online and met some women online where attractions grew but nothing materialised.  It could have but i chose against it! Im ready for a relationship,  im just not rushing that every again!  Regardless of how lonely i can get!

Rushing things never work! 

I thought this needed a little updating...  Even when you plan things life has a habit of taking over and throwing a spanner in the works and although im not out of the woods yet.....  The steps i took helped massivley pull me out of the darkness depression brings with it!

I am by no means a success story,  but im a story of someone who has given up on himself and life before,  but now i refuse to let it pull me down anymore! 

I know it will try to pull me down,  but i refuse to go down without a fight...

[craig84]

so 3 years on from writing this and being able to hold jobs for longer periods.  various jobs where i was promoted and valued,  a relationship breakdown from someone taking me for granted and cheating on me broke me again.  but i felt love again..  so not all bad.  i definitely wouldnt have said that at the time.  but im saying it now! family ill health and a death in the family. i spiralled and turned to drink and drugs again.  i ruined my independence by drink driving,  losing my licence and my job,  and in turn my independence...  i spiralled further... used my life savings to get myself out of debt, me and my dad who lives abroad rarely speak...  birthdays and xmas texts is all now.  after months of wallowing and reverting back to the "im not worth it" "i hate myself" state of mind i knew what i had to do again  but was daunted by it...  the waiting lists,  the forms,  the therapy,  the drug and alchohol counselling,  the repeating your story to countless people...  it was a traumatic acceptance that i have to again start from scratch...  there is one differemce this time though..  its not going to take me years to figure out how to get back on track like last time... 

ive taken the first steps again already...  but having this to read through helps remind me of the little things i used to do which i had forgotten,  its time to try and boost myself again..  i refuse to give up!  ive been through far too much to lay down and die!

[Amanda_George]

  if you want it, Craig?  You've done well to battle through it alone - those dark feelings are horrible, but I understand how low you were then.  You don't have to be alone any more now that you've come back to the forum - we'll be here for you whenever you need us!

[craig84]

  &  😚😚 thanks amanda, works both ways too you know that. 

i dont have many steps to take today.  i had a restless night and couldnt get comfortable so im really tired today.  just going to potter about the house and maybe re-organise my room..  nothing major!