Today's news

[captainkeefy]

My Therapist spoke to the personality specialists and they have said " Yep, that behaviour is consistent with what we'd be looking for. Send him for an assessment." So I'll being going to see them in a few weeks. This is going to consist of weekly group meetings for 6 hours. If they deem my behaviour adequate.

[Catbrian]

That's good news.  Things seem to move a little faster with these specialist services.  I hope things are going okay

[captainkeefy]

Hi Catb,

I'm really good today, my depression and anxiety scores were really low this morning in Therapy. I had the best session I've had so far, he commented on the complete change in my moods. We discussed a lot of things and he invited me back before I go and see these specialists. We where actually discussing my personal boundaries as a person. I had him laughing too

[Sweetpea]

That sounds really positive Captain K. Really pleased for you.

S x x x x

[captainkeefy]

Hi Shaz,

Yeah, really was positive today. I've had a couple of positive weeks now and I'm looking at things more Conatructively. My therapist said that I'm very self aware, he did however suggest that I might have been a little too motivated to deal with my problems. I agree with this myself.

Onwards and upwards!

[Zaf]

Hope it works for you Captain

Z xxx

[Catbrian]

That all sounds very positive and it's nice the Therapist is offering another session before you attend the specialist service.

I do notice you have a lot of motivation to sort out your problems.  That's a good thing as long as you can pace yourself.

I really do hope things continue to move positively

[captainkeefy]

I was talking about studying psychology and he said it would be better to sort my own issues out first. I tend to agree, no point giving out piano lessons when I'm only one lesson ahead myself. 

6 hours a week with group therapy sounds good to me, the thing I found strange is that my therapist broke this gently to me. I'm quite excited by this, I hope I get the opportunity to get up and speak in front of the group. I'd be great at that, I'm gonna ask if I could do a presentation myself maybe? I think this would build my confidence.

[Catbrian]

I would agree that sorting your own issues first is best, but there is nothing to stop you maybe doing an introductory course.  Somehow, I feel you need something more to work with and maintain momentum.

Group therapy runs along the same lines as 1-2-1, everyone goes with the flow and it usually takes people sometime to open up, some never manage to at all.  The sessions can be intense, some people's issues might trigger your own.  The fact that everyone will suffer a PD, must be a bonus

[captainkeefy]

See, I'm ambivelent over quite a few things now. My Pdoc was basically telling me "Go for it, don't look back. Get on that course." Straight away I thought my T wouldn't agree, when I spoke to my T yesterday, sure enough he expessed that I should tread with caution and leave it until after I have dealt with my own issues. So I have two mental health professionals, both seems to have opposing advice, now if I do think in terms of black and white, which ones advice do I take. Obviously my Pdoc is the senior person but I would say my T knows me a lot better. Basically, there's a path, I want to walk it, I think the gray would be start down this path with slow and precise steps. The level 1 course I applied for is full but they are looking at running a second course then I'm going to do it. I was looking at applying to do a degree this Autumn, instead I think I will put it off 12 months and build my cv so that its more appealing when I do apply for the course.

Also I have mixed feelings about starting this therapy. I told my T yesterday that I see it as poss ole progression. But I also think I may have pushed too hard to prove I have a PD, I really feel I have something in me that makes it hard for me to achieve things that other people achieve with little effort because of my thinking style. He said they way I was looking at it was very good and he said something along the lines of "If I go on the Internet with a head ache, I'd probably come off thinkin I had a brain Tumor if I visited the wrong sites and had no experience diagnosing things." I think of another forum I visit and the amount of 'self diagnosed borderlines' on there is crazy but then you read the posts of the diagnosed borderlines and I can see a big difference.

[Catbrian]

Hey Capt...  I understand the ambivalence comes from contradictory views from two influential people, but perhaps it is also part of a "Splitting" cycle.  Today, there can be huge motivation towards something and tomorrow it might appear completely different.  This is something that has blown me away throughout my entire life.

Lately, I've been careful to match certain aspects of my life with what I now understand to be BPD traits; changing my mind continually is one of them.  What I'm trying to do is see past this trait.  Rather then becoming consumed within each cycle, I try to pay little attention to the devaluing mode by telling myself, "We'll see" and move on.  I find this disarms the intensity of the cycle. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from mastering the technique, but practice makes perfect. 

I think Pdoc and Therapist are both right.  I suppose you need to find a happy medium.  What I hope it doesn't do, is dampen your enthusiasm and ambition for furthering your career along the Psychology route.  This is the "something more" that you need in your life

Having done a lot of counselling training and employment over the years, I would say that a degree in the autumn is maybe a bit too ambitious.  I think you need time to work through some (not all) issues and develop stability in your own MH.  However, there is absolutely nothing to stop you doing introductory courses to Psychology.  Even doing an English GCSE equivalent would count towards sound experience.  Once you're attending college, it's almost certain you will hear of voluntary work opportunities.

You seem to be in a Splitting-cycle over having input from a PD Specialist Service.  Can you identify where that comes from? 

[captainkeefy]

That's the thing. I'm so aware of this now. "All I want is..." Then tomorrow you get out of bed and think "Sod it, I want to be a fireman!" Then you get that day "I can't do anything with my life because I'm a failure." I hate that so much, it's sole destroying. Why do we shift our goals so much? Why do we find it so hard to play the long ball game. Even when there is something we genuinely want the mind finds a million reasons why we can't do it.

The degree I am looking at is for people without formal qualifications but still I need to show commitment. Awesome for my traits in the short term, nightmare in the long term. However I'm looking at this objectively as appossed to impulsively for a change. I'm thinking "You are not your job, you are not your car, you are not how much money you have in the bank..."

I think the reason I'm starting to change my view over this is because I want to go to college. However if its what I need to do then I'm going to do it. First off I think I want a definite diagnosis. I'm not convinced I have AvPD, yes I have traits but I wouldn't say they are destroying my life. Unless I'm wrong, I thought cluster B was impulsive and cluster C was compulsive. I read a bit more about AvPD and one thing I spotted was things avoidant's believe. The scary thing is my wife says these things pretty much word for word. I would say I've got social phobia but I'm nowhere near as quiet or withdraw as my wife.

[Catbrian]

You are so right CaptK, such drastic shifts of goal posts can be soul-destroying.  I have been wondering why this might be and I've come up with 2 or 3 possible explanations. 

Of course, rapid mind changing, as part of "Splitting", makes perfect sense.  Also, due to there being little or no real sense of identity, people with PD are more partial to changing their mind and, lastly, perhaps the chronic emptiness trait is temporarily filled with optimistic plans, until it gets bored. 

The article I was just reading, describes people with BPD as "Chameleons"; perhaps we feel inspired by another person's attributes but that notion soon wears off once someone/something comes into the limelight.

It's understandable to question any diagnosis and even better to discuss this further with the Pdoc.  When I was diagnosed with BPD, I had never heard of it.  It was the same with Agoraphobia, I thought they were talking about someone else.  I'm sure, after meeting with you again, the Pdoc will be able to reach a more accurate diagnosis

[captainkeefy]

No need now, I've been transferred to the personality disorder specialists for assessment.

[Catbrian]

The specialist service are probably better placed to confirm or deny a PD diagnosis.  I imagine they will also be in a good position of diagnosing anything other than PD.